ari (eddievedder_64) wrote,

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oh god... im about to cry...

i just saw that good charlotte music video for the song "hold on" for the second time. i've always liked it, but i wasn't paying attention much the first time i saw it. now that i saw it and paid as much attention as i could, i almost started to cry. i would've had i been alone in the room. it's not cuz that video made me think or made me sad, i almost cried because i can relate to that video. no one should be able to relate. i saw two girls and their captions were "still here" oh god... i imagined myself in that chair. it was horrible. i thought to myself, i should be in that chair... i remember, vaguely, but i still remember. crying so much and wrapping my neck with the blinds cord.. i miss samantha. i need her now. i need to tell somebody that i tried to commit suicide. if anyone is reading this, please give me support, i need a hug. i can't tell my parents, they'd think i was overreacting or something. i was only 11.. *sniff* i just started tearing up.. i remember, also when i was in 10th grade which was only a few months ago, it was the end of the school year and oh wow... i was feeling so depressed those couple of months.. i remember having a diary, writing in it a few times a week. that was the first time i used a diary that religiously. i now use it to record my depression states. the last time i used it was in august... guess im getting better? :\ i dunno... oh wait, no, i remember i think it was october, i wrote something down on word. heh heh.. guess not. i remember the last time i was upset, i wanted to talk to sam so badly... i want to now. i wish she came on today.. guhh... i need to talk to her as soon as possible, but, to her face, not online. i need for me to have another panic attack while we're alone, so that way i dont have to tell her about how i was suicidal, i can show her. the only thing is, i dont want to scare her.. or tell my parents... i trust her though. i need to go into my room and cry a bit. im not necessarily depressed, i just need a good cry. im also gonna pin up the words to "hold on" so that i can see it and maybe feel better. oh, last two times i had panic attacks, i was listening to pearl jam, so i figure i shouldnt listen to them anymore if i get depressed.
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